i can't feel a thing

does anyone know of any “recovery” blogs?

as in blogs of people recovering?

i can tell that my mom has been annoyed with my presence lately

cool. just when i could use her support the most.

i haven’t been on this account lately

because one day, i had this epiphany that all that i was doing was not good for me. i would come home from school feeling dizzy and nauseous, and just sleep as much as possible. it was a couple days before the ap exam, and i felt like i couldn’t do it anymore. i couldn’t resist to occasionally log into this account and look at my previous inspiration, although i probably should have just deleted when i started.

i stopped looking at calories and pretty much ate whenever i was hungry. i’m tempted to say that i overate, but i’ll admit that i don’t know the difference between eating and overeating. except i went to the mall a few days ago, and that brought back why i was doing everything in the first place. still, i was okay. in school i started making up things i neglected when i just “didn’t feel like going to school”. concentration was also a lot easier.

until yesterday, i went into subway with my friend. i hadn’t been there in a while, but for the first time, i was actually going out for food with friends again. then i looked over a the counter with the toppings on it, and i saw a list of all their low cal options. i couldn’t help myself, and was instantly drawn to the sandwich with the lowest amount of calories. i ordered it, and felt the same old guilt. i ate half, went to work, and didn’t let myself have dinner. now i’m feeling like i’m going back to square one. i know that will only make things worse, so i don’t know how things will work out. if i can’t relapse and i can’t recover… where does that leave me?

I think I’m stuck between two evils

limbolimbo

it seems like last wednesday was a lifetime ago

I’m not sure how much more of this I can take

lately I’ve been fatigued and dizzy and nauseous

and for some odd reason I feel like if I have the slightest bit of self worth left in me, I’ll start eating enough to get by. Crazy idea, and at the same time…I’m so afraid.